Typical...

I wore my new camel colored wool coat today…since I was wearing my black turtleneck sweater and gray pants. I felt very tres’ chic walking to work…hahaha…well until I got up to the door and saw my reflection and the collar in the back was standing up and so I looked like I was trying to be a vampire.

and then there was none...maybe

My bug guy made another house call yesterday to help me plan my strategy of how to get the creature(s). As much as I don't want tiny rotting corpses under my house or elsewhere...I let him put down more poison in the garage. He checked the smack 'em trap under my sink...and Stuart had met his fate. I did not look...I couldn't bring myself to do that. So he disposed of it for me. Triumphant am I? No...because bug guy, after congratulating me on my success, says "I don't think that's the one that you've been looking for." Whaaaa? Apparently, bug guy aka rodent poop expert, feels that the evidence doesn't match up. Perfect. But at least my evening last night was quiet. No dog barking hysterically over something she can smell, but can't see. I actually slept for 4 hours straight before waking up wondering if Stuart's friends were surrounding me all Toga'd up...telling me to beware the Ides of November.

I Liked Stuart Little...until he came to live at my house...

I'm not overly fond of mice...except in the movies...when they wear cute outfits...and say cute things...and DON'T LIVE IN MY GARAGE.

My non-Screen Actors Guild visitor has been living in my garage for several weeks now. He also mistakes his new home for his new public restroom as well. I'm completely icked out by this. The compassionate part of me doesn't want to hurt him or her...I just want them gone. I've had several suggestions on what I need to do to get rid of it, none of which sounded appealing to me. So I went to Target and bought these little mouse 'hotels' that you can set. Surely if you buy mouse supplies at Target...it's not as disgusting. The handy dandy little mechanism I purchased, has a little entry point and when they curiously make their way inside, it traps them in there. I love it...it's perfect. I don't have to see it once it's been captured. I just set it...and once it goes in, it says...CAPTURED...so all I have to do is dispose of it. I bought four of them and placed them in areas where I'd seen evidence of him...aka...nasty poop. Oh and did I mention that he'd found his way into my house? It ate a hole through my dog food bag...has been hanging out under the kitchen sink(but not bothering to do the dishes while it was there) and at one point was near the front door. After several weeks there have been no hits with the contraptions...even though it's still hanging out in the garage...by evidence of more poo. Oh that and the fact that I can hear it moving around and rearranging things on the shelves. Reluctantly, I progressed to the sticky traps. No such luck there. Instead, it just ate the edges off of it...snacking on its death trap, if you will. In the meantime, I had the guy that does work on my house try and find entry points for the little bugger. He pulled out the dishwasher and plugged up the area under the kitchen sink...and also in my hot water closet. He also plugged up areas in the garage that he thought were access points into the kitchen. I was also informed that the contraptions that I bought, probably were too small for it to crawl into. WHAT? So I have steroid mouse living with me???? The creature, that I have now named him, has been stuck in the garage all this time...until this weekend...when he found his way back under the kitchen sink. Ironically, my bug guy had been out last Thursday for his bi-monthly visits...and decided once and for all...that we just need to kill this Son of a Bitch (those were his words...not mine). Very reluctantly, I let him put out poison packets in the garage. I still just hate thinking about this thing suffering...but at the same time...I want him GONE. The packets were put down...and the next day...the packets had been moved...eaten through...re-located...etc. So I just waited...and waited...to see him belly up. Has that happened? No...I think it's made him stronger. I think he's flipping me the bird at this point. After hearing him under the sink on Saturday...making all kinds of racket...I was freaking out. This thing WILL NOT DIE. At this point I'm thinking...oh it's on! I bought a packet of 4 smack 'em traps and put one under the sink and one out by my dryer (have I mentioned that I haven't been able to do laundry for about 2 weeks...'cause I seriously don't want to go out to my garage and have him mock me to my face?). I TRIED to put one next to my washing machine where his poopapalooza spot is. When I set it down...the think snapped and shot up in the air...scaring the crap out of me! So then I put the last one down...same thing happened. I had to resort to using a buttload of peanut butter on my last sticky trap. In the middle of the night, it was back under the sink...peeling itself off of the sticky trap that was previously under there. I hurried back to my room, because I didn't want to hear the loud snap. To make things more freaky...my dog, on two different occasions, woke me up in the night barking hysterically from her bed on my bedroom floor. I thought...if that creature has made it's way into my bedroom...my house is so going up on the market. I was too wussy to check under the sink before I left for work today, but as I was backing out of the garage, the snapper trap by my dryer was still in place...with nothing attached. Sadly, I was kind of relieved. I really don't want to hurt the little thing...and I especially don't want to see it once it's met it's fate...but at the same time...I'm about to go Terminator on it's fuzzy butt!

Crosswalks=Dead Man Walking

Crosswalks are just another way of putting a bullseye on your back...but yet I have to use them everyday to get from my car (thank you parking nazis) to the building I work in. To add to the fun, I usually get to work about 6:30 in the morning...when it's still dark. So not only do I have to do the stealth walk in the dark to avoid being raped and murdered...I have to make sure I'm not getting flattened as I cross the street. The other day as I was getting ready to step out onto the street...something flies past me...a dude on his bicycle...with a little headlight...cycling like he's in the Tour de France. That would have been a great collision story if I hadn't seen his "beacon of light" bearing down on me. Everyday I have to weigh my "should I go now?" options...since there are notoriously those boneheads that are oblivious to the fact that YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO STOP AT A CROSSWALK. Or there's the lady that as you're crossing the street zooms up to the intersection and stops...IN the crosswalk...yeah thanks...let me just walk AROUND you. The afternoons at quittin' time are even better because there is actually traffic out then. There are people that are pulling out of the parking garage knowing there is a crosswalk right as they're coming out of the garage...but yet seem confused...if not annoyed that there are masses of people crossing to get to THEIR cars, that they have to stop for. All this before mentioned fun is just on the SIDE streets...not even the main deathway of three lanes of traffic (each way) that you have to cross to get back to your car (again...nazis). Luckily there are those 3 second crossing lights to lead you to safety...because what would we do without those??? Well other than them barely giving you a chance to step off the curb before they're warning you to cross for your life. They start flashing "Don't Walk" literally before you've crossed ONE lane of traffic...so the rest of the time it's flashing at you as you cross the street...it's more of a taunt...in bright red (for blood)..."You're Dead" "You're Dead" "You're Dead". Winter's going to be great...

Flashback Friday

For some reason, on the way to work this morning, I thought back to this day in history when I was just 15 and had my learner's permit. One evening my mom and I were coming back from the grocery store and she was letting me drive. I was kind of crushing on someone and felt the need to drive by their house. Just to set up this story, it helps you to know that my dad had just gotten the alignment done on the car that very day. So we're driving past the crush house, which sat on a street that was kind of a circle, but you could drive all the way through - not a true cul-de-sac. I notice the front door is open, so I'm pointing this fact out to my mom, as we both become looky-loos. While being the voyeurs that we are, I felt this sudden impact as I hop the curb with the car and sort of drive over the corner of their front yard as my mom is shrieking at me. No damage was done...and I got myself back onto the street and drove on like you're SUPPOSED to...while my mom and I are both kind of stunned by what I just did. Then I utter these famous last words..."don't tell dad."

Niceness is Hazardous to Your Feminine Hygiene Health

Once again, while acting on a moment of kindness...I feel like it was a "what was the point?" moment. Yesterday, I was washing my hands while in the Loo, and noticed that there were several used paper towels wadded up or just laying on the floor. Normally, I don't touch other people's trash on the floor in a bathroom, 'cause that's just nasty. It was bugging me, though, so I took a CLEAN paper towel and picked up all the OTHER paper towels that did NOT belong to me. When I raised up to throw them away, I completely nailed my head on the tampon machine. I'm not sure I've hit my head that hard in a long time...if ever. In fact today, it's still hurting and I just have this overall feeling of doom up there. While I was washing my hands, I actually kind of felt like I could throw up from the pain...even though the situation was sort of amusing to me. I emailed my sister and told her about it - which she said, "If you still feel like throwing up, you need to go to the hospital." to which I said, "I don't still feel that way - it was just from the shock of the impact. You know, like when a guy throws up from the pain after getting kicked in the pecans." She was like...oh yeah - that's true. So needless to say, I'm rather annoyed at these grown women litterbugs that have caused my head trauma. You suck.

Miss Vickie is My New BFF

Miss Vickie's potato chips that is. LOVE LOVE LOVE her. I love her Sea Salt chips...the Smokehouse BBQ...and now....the Jalapeno'. Oh my-oh my. I already had some this morning - so I must fight off the urge for an afternoon delight (and that's not the kind most people refer to). Maybe if I walk by and see if they're all gone from my addiction supplier...I'll stop wondering if Miss Vickie wants me too.

I'm Officially Old...aka Having a "Senior" Moment

I realized this as I wrote out my first graduation check the other day. I've known this grown-up boy since he was 4 years old and now he's a senior graduating from high school! UGH. At least I'm not his mother...she probably feels worse...hehe. Writing out graduation checks was something my parent's always did...so am I now in that category? Ewww. Next I'll probably be trying to figure out AARP. Nice.

Sometimes it's okay to hurry up and wait...

My dad loved trains. LOVED them. For as long as I can remember back, if there was one crossing somewhere or getting ready to cross, he'd say, "Look! A train! Cool!" I had gone to a train show with him once or twice and usually was excited for him when he was happy about his train hobby. After he died, it was a long time before I could enjoy seeing a train again. When I changed jobs last year, my route to work sometimes puts me in the path for a potential train crossing and usually as I'm driving, if I hear the whistle in the distance, I punch it down the street so I can get over the tracks before the lights start flashing. You never know how long it's going to take once the arms go down...sometimes not too long and sometimes it seems like it's never going to end. One morning, I was already running late and sure enough, about the time I get to the tracks, the lights are flashing and the arms are moving down. I was so annoyed and frustrated as the train went by. Then I had this epiphany that my dad would have LOVED it. He wouldn't have cared about the time...well, usually. So even though I sometimes get frustrated about the timing, I've learned to embrace the train stops, because I'm sharing a moment with my dad all over again. I just wish the moment would still include the caboose, since the best part of waiting for the train when I was growing up, was trying to guess what color the caboose was going to be! Now when everyone else is frantically changing routes to avoid the train crossing, I just slow down and wait. There's too many other things for me to get upset about...and I do...like when the train has passed and then the arms don't go up for ever and ever. Then I can get mad at the city....but not the train...it's already passed...TOOT TOOT.

My dog...the con artist

First thing, right off the bat...my dog is very spoiled. She's not Paris Hilton pet-spoiled...but she's more cared for than a lot of CHILDREN in this world, sadly. From time to time, my dog will get a tummy-ache because I am a bad mom and feed her what I'm eating. Not in large quantities, mind you...but a french fry here...a chip there...etc. Sometimes if I've given her more than I realize I should have...later on in the day or the next day - but usually in the wee hours of the morning when I should be ASLEEP, her tummy will gurgle very loudly...more of a squeal, actually...and she spends a lot of time going in and out of her doggy door. Since I'm the bad mom that made her feel that way, I will get up at 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning and scramble her eggs. This is what I've been told in the past to do for her when she has an upset stomach, because it is bland and apparently soothing. Or I'll make her minute rice...but she appreciates the eggs more and I kind of do as well - because then I'm not picking day old rice out of her curly ears or my bed. For whatever reason...the other day, I came home from work and she was SO happy to see her mommy - as usual...did the routine...up on the couch...gets her kisses and hugs and proceeded to be still very excited about me being home. When I went to go change my clothes, I heard her go outside - no big deal. She was out there for quite some time, so I went to check on her like the over-protective mom that I am...and she's chowing on grass out by the fence. I did notice that she hadn't eaten her dog food all day, as well. So I go through the routine...get out the skillet, the eggs, the bowl, etc. I check on her again...still eating grass...but is she 'watching' me watch her eat grass? Is she chewing, but yet, looking over her shoulder to see if the sympathy card is being well-played? It's hard to tell. A few minutes later, as I continue to scramble away, she comes trotting in and the tail begins to wag as she realizes that I'm cooking...more than likely for her...since I rarely cook for myself. I begin to question her..."are you feeling okay?" "what's up with you eating grass?" "you seemed fine when i came home - what's the matter?" "are you just trying to get me to scramble you eggs so you don't have to eat your regular food?" Her tail is really wagging at this point. I then let the eggs cool and dump them in the bowl with her food - and she about shoves me aside with her nose to get to her food - that interestingly enough...she didn't want to eat before now...and then proceeds to eat all of the eggs and her REGULAR food. So now I'm convinced that she thinks I'm the stupidest mother EVER and was probably pretend-moving her head near the fence to SIMULATE that she was eating grass...just to throw me into a panic that she might barf on my carpet, knowing I would immediately scramble her some eggs. I should have made her rice...then her ploy wouldn't have been nearly as tasty.

Please Recycle...and break your neck

I've decided that recycling can be hazardous to your health. I had just taken my blue bin of cans and newspapers out to the curb and walked back into my garage, only to trip over a package of tile grout....you know for all the tiling I do myself...not. Luckily my car was still in the garage so I didn't have all this open area for me to free-fall, I just stumbled around a bit and kinda fell...yeah...kinda fell. So there ya go...I recycle for the earth and that's what happens. Earth day is this month. I think it needs to be renamed Jamie Hurt Herself Trying to Recycle Day.
p.s. This is the story that I had completely forgotten about due to Shlong Man. I finally remembered it when I stopped focusing so much on that traumatic event...or maybe I repressed it.

Family Park aka Public Restroom

There's nothing like walking through the park that you walk at almost everyday, only to realize that some icky man is PEEING in front of the public restroom. I was completely disgusted by this and think the City of Bethany deserves a shout-out to their great parks and recreation department for not having it patrolled more. Why didn't he just go INSIDE the public restroom you ask? Well, they have them padlocked for obvious reasons, since more than just pottying goes on in there these days. They do have porta-potties out there, but since the Oklahoma wind shear was up yesterday - it was laying on it's side...which is rather amusing in itself. Hopefully nobody was in there at the time it tipped over. So as I'm walking, I had already thought up my blog entry for today before seeing this episode take place and it was a good entry too! Well, in my opinion. That was completely forgotten after my trauma and I kept walking trying to remember what I thought was funny enough to put on here...but no...shlong man trumped my other story. Way to go shlong man. (Sorry mom - I know you're reading this...hopefully you know what a shlong is...or maybe that's bad if you do know - ew).

Grimace and the Comb-over

So my walking experience wasn't that great yesterday. First of all, because I just didn't want to be there. Second of all, because I was down-wind of some serious poo smells. THIRD of all...because it was rather breezy in Oklahoma yesterday...aka...wind shear and my super hair-sprayed bangs kept blowing straight up in the air in great Trump-style. I could see this in my shadow as I walked...and it annoyed me. It already annoys me to watch my Grimace shadow walking...you know...purple odd-shaped Grimace from McDonald's? If you were born in the Century AFTER me - you won't have a clue who I'm talking about - so whatever. Oh yeah - and whomever thought it was smart to have men playing softball in an area where people WALK? You're brilliant. I mean seriously...I'm walking around the field and they hit the ball and the guy NEXT to me in the grass is near me trying to catch it. So I was just waiting for my comb-over to get nailed with the ball. I so would have been all Donald Trump comb-over with that guy...You're Fired.

May the Lord Bless You and Your Pet!

Saturday I took precious one to a Pet Blessing at a church I visited last weekend. How cute is that??? Let me just say upfront - she is NOT a social dog. She is used to being the ruler of the house and does not take kindly to other animals being around her. Kinda snotty of her huh? Usually I am mortified by her behavior at the vet because she likes to growl at the other dogs that walk up to her to say hi. You would think by looking at her cute self that she'd have a 'i'm cute and love everyone personality'...well she loves all humans - just not all animals. My mom was a little concerned about taking her to this event, and I was a little nervous about it too. So I went to Target and bought her a new girlie collar and leash to try and make up for what her behavior might be like. When we got to the church parking lot, it was so busy with other owners and their four-legged kiddos. So many cute doggies...and what appeared to be a lizard or gecko or something in a container. Overall, she did okay. She did growl and carry on, but in her defense - other dogs were doing the same thing and some were sniffing her hiney - which, I wouldn't like that either! Not having human children (thank goodness), I can only imagine what happened next to be like when you're at a play date or other 2-legged child event. While the young girl was singing at the beginning of the ceremony, this dog behind us starts barking and yapping uncontrollably - which then caused all the other parents to turn around to see..."whose child is misbehaving???" I was rather amused by this because you know they were all silently glad that it wasn't THEIR dog behaving that way. How appalling! You could almost sense that at the next doggy playdate in the 'burbs, that dog and their 'bad parents' were going to be a topic of discussion. But anyway, back to the blessing. When it came time for her turn, I plopped her on the table and she began to shake like a leaf. I later realized that she probably thought she was at the vet and was about to have something shoved in her bum or have a shot or something un-fun like that. Poor thing. But the pastor petted her and asked me what her name was, how old she was and a quality that she has that I like. Well I just rambled off Loyal.....DUH - all dogs are loyal, what kind of generic answer was that?? I should have said - well look at her - she's the cutest thing EVER! Her Mimi stood off to the side and took pictures of her being blessed (which I'm sure she's the MOST Blessed dog there was!), so I'll have to post pics at some point if I can figure out how to do that on here. She then had a Pet Blessing Certificate issued to her and we went home. I asked her after we got home if she felt more spiritual yet...but I think she was probably more concerned about when her boyfriend, Rocky the Raccoon might come over after I leave. She did, however, sleep all night in the house last night, in her bed, on the floor of my bedroom - so maybe she's been blessed to not bark all night at ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

It's the Lortab Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown!

I'm putting a disclaimer out there right now...I am in no way condoning the use of pain killers in your everyday TV viewing. However, if you are in some sort of predicament where one is required...I've found that watching "It's the Easter Beagle", is much funnier after you have taken a Lortab.

Horton Hears a Whole Lot of Loud Kids

So my sis and the kiddos and I went to see Horton Hears a Who on Saturday...you know...opening weekend...spring break weekend...the weekend of a gazillion kids. It was such a cute movie and so funny. My sis and I were cackling louder than the kids. Of course my 12 year old niece acted like she wanted to die a thousand deaths because she was at this movie...since it didn't involve boys or blood and guts. Me - being the super kid-friendly person that I am (not)...had the pure joy of having two strange kids sit next to me (not the niece and nephew - even stranger than them), because the theater was so crowded, the mom and dad had to put them next to me and then sit in the row in front of them. Plus there were other kids - babies/toddlers, whatever...SCREAMING in there. WHY?WHY?WHY? bring kids that little that aren't going to even really GET that they're at a movie? I mean, if you're too young to know what popcorn is - you're too young to be in a movie. Can I get an AMEN? My nephew - bless his little Horton heart - BROUGHT his stuffed Horton to the movie...and out of the corner of my eye, I keep seeing this protuding trunk from his lap...nice. I, of course, had my splurge snack and got nachos and a Mr. Pibb. It was beautiful. I'm not used to drinking that much sweet soda, ever since I started the whole Jenny Craig neo-natzi lifestyle...and I could really tell that I wasn't used to it. Would I get it again? uhhhh...in a heartbeat.

Driving the Batmobile and Parking Garages

Okay - there are so many times that I wish I drove the Batmobile. People's driving...DRIVES ME CRAZY. Yesterday I had slow people puttering along in front of me...and then I have the psychotic fast drivers behind me. Therefore, my need to drive the Batmobile. Slow people in front...get moved out of my way with my front-end Bat Rockets. People that think they are above the speed limit tailing me...become vapors with my tail-end Bat Vapor Rockets. Just so you know...if I did drive the Batmobile...99% of the time I'd drive it with the power of good in mind...it's just you other 1%-ers out there where I use my power for evil.

On a different note...I'm pulling into the parking garage at work this morning and as I'm coming around the ramp onto the 2nd floor...where all the priviledged people have reserved parking...I see this car...half-way up on the curb TRYING TO PARK. Okay, first of all....seriously? up on the curb is how you pull into a parking space??? So about the time I get to him (yes...it wasn't a chick but a DUDE)...he's trying to back himself off the curb and pull into the parking space. I'm of course laughing because this is just too funny to me...unlike yesterday when I backed into the cement pole trying to back into my space...but it's not about me right now. About the time I get out of my car....here curb-parker comes around the corner...puttering along like he's NEVER been in a parking garage before....which is kooky because I parked next to him YESTERDAY. Sooo apparently in 24 hours he's forgotten how to park in a parking garage. Oh and I guess he realized that where his curb-job was previously done....was a RESERVED spot, so he had to come back up to level 3, with the rest of us, to park like a normal minion.

Walk Like An Egyptian

...So I walked my grande' hiney off last night. Yay me...In my mind I was going to walk 3 miles and not worry about hoofing it like Seabiscuit, but at a faster than normal pace, so I didn't look like a turtle out there. Well, then I started to punk out again and was going to stop at 2 1/2 miles. But then I look like a doof when I turn around part-way. It doesn't matter to me that I do that, if there aren't other people walking that I have to turn around in front of. Then the whole "well you walked too slow for only 2 1/2 miles goober"...so as I was heading towards the extra 1/2 mile mark, I picked up my pace - which is always a joy...since I was already tired. Once I got to the 1/2 mile mark, I decided to just suck it up and go all the way around a 2nd time. Then I felt like I wanted to die...as I usually do when I go walking. But on the plus side...track suit guy didn't speak to me - which was good...'cause he kind of creeps me out.

Happy Easter Great Pumpkin

Okay....soooo...it's almost Easter - with a brief stopover of St Paddy's beforehand and there are people with PUMPKINS still sitting out. What is that about???? This street I drive down everyday going to and coming home from work, has a house with pumpkins on the porch. I wonder if they hang out with the people down the street that still have out their snowman...which by the way, has been out since I started driving that way to work....LAST APRIL. Weirdos!

Commercial Vacuum Cleaners

...I'm now scared of them. The other day at work, the cleaning guy (I get here in the wee hours) set this smaller version Zamboni-looking vacuum cleaner to the side while he went to plug it in. I'm walking down the hall in that direction with my jug 'o water (blah) and my breakfast lean pocket. Very nice cleaning dude plugs in the vacuum and this thing powers up and starts moving on its own! So I'm staying on the right side of the hall and it's like a Stephen King vacuum cleaner motoring down the hall....again....ON ITS OWN. So I'm thinking that surely I can get past it before it sees me...yes...I think it saw me. Well, the thing picks up speed about the time I get even with it and it T U R N S in my direction.....NO LIE...and I had to HOP out of it's way and I made kind of a...EEK sound....well it's still on the path towards me...apparently it wanted my breakfast pocket and water as well. Nice cleaning guy runs up behind me and has to put his foot out and stop it before it attacks me....which he then says....sorry about that. So from now on when I see it....I'm pretty sure it's doing that thing with the fingers and the eyes like when you're watching someone?...hey you - i'm watching you....VROOM VROOM.

Bloggin' doggin' Day 2! Exercise Shmexercise!

Okay - so I'll have to post a day later on all the excitement that happens in my life...'cause I'm one of the last poor shmucks that doesn't have a computer at home right now. Woe is me.

Sooo yesterday I completely punked out on my exercise. I didn't go to the park as soon as I got home from work - which is key for me. Instead I ate take-out mexican and watched the host chat from Regis and Kelly. After sitting in my chair, watching Oprah and feeling like a nacho pig, I got up and went to the park about 6:15. Yea me! Walked around once and called it good - bad me! So yeah....total punk about the walking yesterday. And to think - I was going to walk around twice.....but that obviously didn't happen. Plus, I was feeling blucky from walking after eating all that food...what a doof. On another note - I got to avoid making small talk in passing with this guy that has now decided instead of just smiling and saying hi - he wants to ask how I'm doing. First of all - I'm walking and I hate it - so that's how I'm doing. Second of all...well...I don't want to make small talk when I'm walking....I'm focusing on not falling down.

After my punk walk - I went home and played hide and go seek with my blind dog. Oh she loves it - stop acting like that's mean. I made up for it by snuggling with her in the chair for awhile and we watched Eli Stone - well...I watched it, she just vegged in my lap and kept reminding me that I was a slave to petting her. The time change kicks my butt every year and I think by 8:00 (which was really 7:00)...my body was like...it's time for bed...'cause after that punk walk - you're probably really exhausted, huh? My body can be so rude.

A New Day For This Blogger!

It appears I've created a blog today! Yippee for me! Now I can vent randomness more freely!